Stepping into the Unknown

As I look back on the last five months of my life (really it has been longer than that, but I'll just go with the last five months), I see just how scary it as been for me to take risks. 

What if something goes wrong? What if it doesn't work out? What if I get hurt? What if I can't move on? 

Those questions (and more!) have been frequently coming to mind. I thought I was doing a good job at dispelling them, but it turns out I was letting them consume me with extra worry and fear. 

I am not a daring adventurous kind of girl; I'm rather fond on my cocoon of safety. Why? Because it is predictable, and often times for me, predictable means safe. That's not always the case, but in my little head, I often justify it. I like to be secure and feel safe. But as life has thrown me a few curve balls, I have realized that these unexpected events come no matter what. So, what to do?

I am a naturally anxious person and so surrendering that area to Lord is rather difficult for me. Praise and thanks be to God for His patience with me, though! I oftentimes feel ashamed that I keep relearning the same lesson over and over again. But God in His goodness has been more kind to me than I ever thought. With each trial that has surfaced, He has bestowed grace upon grace to me and has promised to never leave me nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5). With this season of my life, I have been blessedly given many opportunities to hand "it" over to the Lord. And while I think it may be easy, God has been revealing to me that it isn't quite so easy as I thought. But that's not because of God, it's because of my stubbornness and pride. 

Like I said, over the past several months the Lord has really been testing me and showing me just how little I trust Him. With everything in life, there are unknowns. Part of me doesn't like that. I like to know what's going on and what's going to happen. The harsh truth is that in life we do not have that guarantee of everything working out, and if I'm being honest, that scares me. I don't like getting hurt or being overly disappointed. I like to know things are going to work out so that way I can prepare and keep my heart safe, you know? 

Over the last three years of my life I have experienced a few heartbreaks that left me, well, heartbroken. And while in the midst of these, I came to understand something about myself when it comes to relationships: I plan for the absolute worst so I can't be disappointed. So, with that in my very few "relationships", I would be afraid of letting myself be known deeply because someone might actually leave me. Fear of rejection is a thing, ya'll! That fear has had such a tight grip on me and it has not helped me in forming solid relationships with anyone - male or female. 

Through this all the Lord pricked my heart and has helped me to see that what I really have been doing is  putting my confidence in man, not God. I was putting everything I had emotion wise, on the shoulders of people who had no place to carry that weight. As I would come to the realization of this truth, I would ask myself:

What on earth can I grasp onto if nothing comes? 

And God in His perfect timing would speak His truth to my soul:

Psalm 118:8: "It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man."

Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

Jeremiah 17:5: "Thus saith the LORD; Cursed be the man that trusteth in man, and maketh flesh his arm, and whose heart departeth from the LORD."

Psalm 42:11: "Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God."

Ruth 3:18: "Then she said, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall"

Psalm 46:10: "Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth."

Life is scary. The unknowns are scary but God is bigger than our fears. The One who made Heaven and Earth, the One who calms the storms and knows all the stars by name, He is outside of all the fears and worry - He is God. And it shames me just how frequently I have to remind myself of this! Lord, help thou my unbelief!

Without risk, there is no reward. I had to learn that - still am currently learning it! By God's grace He is seeing me through it all and lovingly guiding me as I navigate stepping into the unknown.