The in-between

Not long ago, I read this quote (below) that caused me to say, "Yes, Lord. This!"

I've shared on here about my longer-than-I-thought period of singleness. I've shared about the ups and downs of navigating this time of my life.  Lately though, I have been wrestling with something that I just couldn't put my finger on. 

"Part of what makes waiting so hard is that there's no guarantee - not knowing whether of not you'll ever get whatever it is that you're waiting for. It'd be so much easier to wait if you knew with full certainty that you'd eventually get what it is you're waiting on. The season of waiting isn't simply waiting...it's also wrestling with the reality that you may not just be waiting for something but that the outcome you hope for may never come to be. 

But there's a gift in the in-between and uncertainty. In my season of waiting and uncertainty, I had to learn this one thing: not just to trust God for an outcome but to trust Him regardless of the outcome. 

The waiting and uncertainty is an exercise in faith. It is a surrendering of your own expectations. A laying down of how you thought life should or what it would look like. And in that space - that beautiful and brutal place - you uncover the rare treasure of knowing and trusting God as your father, not as a genie in a bottle. And sometimes, when you least expect it, He surprises you. Not because your prayers required Him to. Just because He can. And because He knows what's best for you."

After I read this quote, I thought: "That's it. It's the in-between that I am having a hard time surrendering to God." And why is that? It's because it's unknown. 

Recently at church, a dear sister blessed us with a passage of Scripture that she put to music. She mentioned that she was clinging to this particular passage with all that she had. As she began to play her instrument and sing, I pondered what she said, and asked myself: "What am I clinging to?" If it's anything other than the Bible and the truths found therein, I am doomed to be disappointed. 

Friends, I must confess: I have not been clinging to Him or His promises. As if a violent storm is ragging outside, and He my only lifeline, I have been choosing to fiercely grasp onto things that will blow away with one gust of wind. 

As a child I never used to like thunderstorms (even though I wanted to be a storm-chaser!). The loud noises of the rain, wind, and of course, the thunder, scared me. I just wanted it to be over and done with. While I still may not like the loud noises that come with large storms, as an adult, I have come to praise God for the change in weather. Sometimes the storms aren't just storms. Sometimes those windy and rainy days are for a reason: to reveal the layers upon layers of filth, rot and mold. Wash me, and make me clean, O God!

In my case, I believe God has been doing just that. Like any of God's creatures, I have my own set of struggles. Day by day, moment by moment, the Lord has been walking with me, leading me besides still waters (Psalm 23:2). Though, at the moment, the tunnel He is leading me through is dark, wet and feels like hurricane force winds blasting at me on every side, I know that with each gust, the old man (Ephesians 4:22-24) is being stripped away, and His refection is taking its place. It doesn't make the process any more enjoyable, but there is a purpose to it: refinement. 

Needless to say, I had to let go of that twig in the wind tunnel. It wasn't doing me any good and it had no foundation. This is kind of a side note, but it really is quite amazing how unstable you realize you are when being pushed around by strong gusts of wind! I remember it well when I had the opportunity to visit Scotland, and my brother, friends and I were walking around the city. It was rainy, cold and extremely windy. I remember thinking: "If I don't hold onto something solid, I am going to get blown away!" Okay, maybe that wasn't too much of a side note after all. *winks* 

Maybe you feel like you're stuck in that wind tunnel and there's no end in sight. Maybe you're besides yourself with tiredness and worry. Friend, it can be SO hard when the blows just. keep. coming. Please, take heart (and I say this just as much to myself as I say it to you): He has you. You are not lost. You are not forgotten. He is with you. The wind reveals the strongest trees, no? The roots must go deep in order to stay upright. 

"As the heart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after thee, O God. 

My soul thirtieth for God, for the living God: when shall I come and appear before God? 

My tears have been my meat day and night, while they continually say unto me, Where is thy God? 

When I remember these things, I pour out my soul in me: for I had gone with the multitude, I went with them to the house of God, with the voice of joy and praise, with a multitude that kept holyday. 

Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance. 

O my God, my soul is cast down within me: therefore will I remember thee from the land of Jordan, and of the Hermonites, from the hill Mizar.

Deep calleth unto deep at the noise of thy waterspouts: all thy waves and thy billows are gone over me. 

Yet the Lord will command his lovingkindness in the day time, and in the night song shall be with me, and my prayer unto the God of my life.

I will say unto God my rock, Why hast thou forgotten me? why go I mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?

As with a sword in my bones, mine enemies reproach me; while they daily say unto me, Where is thy God?

Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God." Psalm 42:1-11

The anchor that is Christ, He is my hope, my stay, and the One who I am clinging onto with everything that I've got.