36

I will be turning 36 in two days. 

If someone were to ask me at 26 where I saw myself 10 years from then, I would more than likely not have guessed to be sitting where I am currently sitting.

What's the big deal about turning 36, you might ask? Well, it's really not that big of a deal; age is just a number, isn't it? True. 

The past two and a half years of my life have been some of the most challenging for me emotionally, spiritually, and even mentally. The hopes and discouragements God has so lovingly placed before me were painful, and yet there was beauty and purpose in them. It's funny though how the Holy Spirit works in our hearts and how it is by God's grace and mercy that even in the midst of a heartbreaking disappointment, His purpose and glory shine through. Praise the Lord! He must increase and I must decrease, no? (John 3:30).

So what's the big deal, Sarah?

Well, I'm gonna shoot straight with ya'll - I have had a ton of anxiety about turning 36. Not because I feel like I look older or anything like that (even though I know I don't look the same as when I was in my early 30s lol), but because of the reality of an aging body. Isn't it weird that reality can cause one to be anxious? For me it was more a mental thing, well mental and physical. 36 means 36. My body, even though it is healthier than it has been in years is still more than half way to 40. 

Ya'll, I'm talking about my biological clock. I knew it was ticking, but man I FELT it ticking with the rapid approach of another birthday. The question of if I will ever be able to carry children literally kept me up at night. I would cry out to God in my prayers or on my way home from work, pleading with Him to help me understand. 

Time and time again, as I cried through scripture, God would remind me that He can be trusted with such precious desires. Over and over again I would repent of my lack of trust and hope in God, and ask Him to help me cling to the Rock that is higher than I. 

Psalm 61:2: From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I. 

That Psalm in particular has been an anchor for me amidst a sea of angry waves. God can and must be trusted. His ways are not our ways (Isaiah 55:8-9) and while we may plan, God directs our steps (Proverbs 16:9). How quickly I forget His goodness! Lord, remind me that my circumstances do not dictate Your character. You are worthy of all praises, honor and glory! 

Even though this season of my life looks different, God is still good. 

And as I head into another year, I am trying to remind myself, along with God's promises, that I am living answered prayers. Years and years ago, I prayed to be right where I am - that is something to rejoice over and praise God for!

Is He worthy? Is He worthy of all blessing and honor and glory? Is He worthy of this? 

He is!