Sit still

27.  A big and yet little number.

Today is my 27th birthday.  Would you believe that I am actually writing this in January?  Yep.  I decided to go ahead and write this post a few months early because I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to say or how I wanted to say it.  Plus I wanted to give myself a while to sort things out.  27 is a big number after all - it's still very young, but it is a number nonetheless.

So.  Here I am, 27 years have I lived (so far).  I never even thought of this number as a little girl.
Even though I could count that high as a child, I never thought of what it would be like to be "that old."  Some girls will tell you that they have been planning their future weddings since they were 6; dreaming about their Prince Charming.  Funny thing is that I never thought of it.  Like ever.  There were times when my sister and I would play dress-up, but it was always Cinderella or Cowgirls. I never thought of my Prince coming on a white steed, saving me from the perils of death.  All I wanted to do was play!

I did, however, have this fascination with the Grand Duke and wanted to marry him more than any other fairytale character!

I guess I just had to wait a couple of decades and two brothers getting married for the desire to kick in.  When my friends started dating/getting married, things within me started to stir and I began to wonder, "When will it be my turn?"  So I was always on the lookout for the perfect guy - even though I had NO IDEA (at the time) what a future husband should or shouldn't be. All I was concerned about was age, faith, and, well, looks.  I'm ashamed to admit it, but that's what would catch my eye - his outward appearance and not his love for God.  Of course, that has changed - thank God!  Rather than soaking up his good looks, I will try and examine his heart, his attitude, and his actions.  How does he treat the men and women around him?  How does he treat his mother and or sisters?  His sisters in Christ?  Is he kind, gentle and passionate about his faith?  Is he bold for God and His Kingdom?  Or does he use his looks to get ahead?

Praise ye the LORD. Blessed is the man that feareth the LORD, that delighteth greatly in his commandments...He hath dispersed, he hath given to the poor; his righteousness endureth for ever; his horn shall be exalted with honour. - Psalm 112:1, 9

*Really the whole chapter of Psalm 112 is an amazing prayer for a future husband.  If you have a "list" of what you pray your future husband is like, Psalm 112 might be something to add to that list.  Or, just make the Psalm your whole list!*

I always thought that in order for me to be "happily married" my circumstances had to change; that things had to be perfect in order for Mr. Right to come.  In my head, what man on earth would want a wife whose family's home wasn't the nicest or cleanest? (Note: we are not unclean people. We're real, just like everyone else.) As I type this out I cringe.  Why on earth would I ever even think that?  Really?  If I could tell my younger self one thing it would be this: Trust God and don't worry. Ok, that's two things. But still!
Take, for example, the story of Ruth.  Do you think HER circumstances were perfect when Boaz came into the picture?  I think not!  Not only had she lost her husband, but she left her home and was pretty much destitute.  Shouldn't that give me just a bit of hope?  More than enough.  Why?  Because it is a perfect picture of God's unfailing goodness (and perfect timing) towards His children.

It doesn't get easier with each year that passes, in fact, it has become much harder.  Grant it, I love every single one of my friends who are married with babies - there are just some days where I could just cry while watching them love on their children.  My arms will literally ache and the question will almost always come to mind, "Will I ever know what it will be like to carry my own wee one?"  If you're thinking "You have plenty of time for babies - you're still so young!  That doesn't help.  Telling me I have "time" doesn't make the ache go away - it just reminds me that I may be waiting much longer.  You see, I'm a woman.  I was taken from man; made for man.  That's how I was created - for someone; to be a help meet.

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; 
And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. 
 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Genesis 2:18,21-23

In the past and at the beginning of each new year, I was always wondering and hoping, "Will this be the year?".  Will this be the year that I meet, and who knows, marry my love?  I always wondered that..I still do sometimes.
This year, though, I do not want to assume.  I want to live a life full of hope.  As sad as it may sound, I have never really had a lot of hope.  I'm being 100% honest here when I say that I have tossed that word aside like cheap lipstick; never to be picked up because of how it didn't "treat" me.  I am a sinful, fickle creature.

Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God. - Psalm 43:5

Someone from my church said, "Where there is love there is hope" - along with God's Word, I am trying to keep that fresh in my mind.  If I love God, then I have a wonderful reason to hope in Him; to trust Him in His timing.

Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD. ~Psalm 31:24

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. ~ Isaiah 55:8

My prayer is that someday I will be married; have children and raise them to love God.  It is my desire.  But what I mustn't do is let it consume me.  God must consume my every waking moment - not the thoughts of my future husband.  I bet I'm not the only one who - as children -  heard the phrase "Sit still!", right?  That is what I feel God is telling me to do: sit still; be patient and wait for Him.  God is never late or early - He is always on time.  Why can't I rest in that?  Why do I feel the need to give God a hand?  Because I think He'll take me up on my offer?  How foolish and silly!

Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth. ~Psalm 46:10

"It would be such a waste."  I have actually had someone say that to me (regarding marriage) before.  And while I know these words are coming from a precious heart, they still sting.  More-so than ever, I have felt emptiness - or rather, loneliness.  I was (like all women) were created to complete someone.  Is it possible to actually feel that hollowness?  I think so.  Most times it is followed by the feeling of unworthiness.  Why do I even entertain the thoughts of feeling unworthy?  Why do I feel like my future husband won't like me because I'm not interesting enough, have split ends, pimples and am not a size 0?  Why?  Because it feeds my self-pity and doubt that God really isn't good.  I'm reminded of Genesis 3:1 when the serpent says to Eve "Has God said..."  Eve knew God's command.  She knew and yet chose not to listen.  All it took was a seed of doubt and Eve fell.  That's why is is SO important to stay in God's Word!  Not only should I read the Bible, I must live it out.  That is something I should be working on - not sending myself into an unnecessary frenzy of how I should or shouldn't look.  Don't get me wrong, I think it's very important to take care of yourself.  There's nothing wrong with eating healthy either.  God has placed us on earth with these bodies for a reason, and we should take care of them.  But these things should not consume us.

There is a difference also between a wife and a virgin.  The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. ~ 1 Corinthians 7:34

Why can't I just rest in that?  Sit back and enjoy God; His beauty?
Please know that I am not sharing the above verse because I think that being married is at all a bad thing or an unholy thing. What this verse says is that a woman's priorities are to shift.  They go from God to her husband. I believe that God created marriage to be a good and sanctifying thing.  Remember, "Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD." (Proverbs 18:22)  So remember, marriage is a good gift from God!  But there is a difference and that difference is a wonderful thing.  I can better serve God in my single years than I could if I were married because (how can I say this without sounding like I'm degrading husbands, please know that I'm not) I wouldn't have as many distractions.  Does this make me want marriage less?  Ah no.  In fact, it only feeds the fire.

There is something that I cannot deny, though, out of all the people in the world, God chose me to be single in this moment.  Maybe this season will last a lifetime, maybe it won't.  I don't know.  If it does I must praise Him, and if it doesn't I must praise Him.  I know, much easier said than done, right? However, if the God of the Universe, the Maker of Heaven and Earth chose for me to be single right now, shouldn't that be enough for me?  Knowing that the Maker of all hand-picked me for this season?  It should and yet it isn't.  O Lord, help my unbelief!

Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? - Matthew 6:30

Like I said, it isn't easy - especially when I feel like I literally aching from within.  How can I ache for someone I've never met?  I cannot tell you.  But what I can tell you is that even at this moment, there is a peace and grace waiting in the Arms of my God.  He is waiting with tender care for me to run to Him with all my aches and pains.  But do I?

A beautiful post I read called Waiting Reveals What You're Hoping In.  It hit close to home for me and I was hoping that maybe it would encourage some of you.

Another great read is  Are You Tired of Waiting on the Lord?.  I absolutely love this article!  It reminded me of how little faith I have in my Great and Big God, and how faithful He always is.  Maybe "love" is the wrong word to use.  Convicting.  This post convicted me.

Until that appointed time (it may never come), I must lay it down, completely, freely, and daily.  God is Sovereign and can be trusted.  Until then, I must be patient and sit still.





                                                                  

                                                                              What about you?  

Tell me in the comments below if there is something you struggle handing over to God.

Do you have a favorite Bible promise or truth that counteracts your struggle?

Bathed in His Grace,